I haven’t ran since last week. I think I’ll do week six again. The thought of doing three 25 minute runs in one week is really intimidating right now. That’s not why I’m avoiding it; I’m avoiding it because I am a better excuse maker than I am a runner.
I went to the Mary Pratt exhibition this weekend. She is an interesting Canadian hyperrealist painter who documented her daily life through painting everyday objects. A journaling of sorts. I like that idea.
On the gallery wall beside a painting of jars of preserves, it read:
"Whether preparing a meal or observing the beauty of an unmade bed, her paintings represent a lifetime of looking closely, an intimation of the brief, abounding pause before one must turn and continue."
I have a tendency to get in my own head about things. In all honesty, this week I have been overwhelmed with the idea of being an ‘other’. Self-acceptance has been, and continues to be an uphill battle. Two girls holding hands will always be a novelty to the people in my town. There will always be eyes. There will always be opinions. I try not to worry about those people, but of course it’s not that easy. There are things like family parties, work functions, and the flea market in Somerset, Kentucky. I worry that my brother needs to defend me to his friends. I wonder if I embarrass my mom. It goes on.
I expect the worst, because it is new and I am afraid. I’m not really closeted but I’m not really out; certainly not rainbow-flag-bikini-dancing out. I don’t want to be water cooler talk. I don’t want to be an activist. I want to exist with a person who I love and have everything be fine. Usually, it is fine. Usually it is just me being cautious and paranoid.
This week has felt heavy on me. Heavy with the worry and the body image issues and the work nonsense and the excuse making, and today I needed to take a day for me. To consider my worries and to let myself breathe.
Because frankly, I like running. And I like girls. I don’t plan on quitting either anytime soon. So, all fears aside; I title this day: The Brief, Abounding Pause Before I Must Turn and Continue.